Values are defined as something that we consider of high importance, something that guides our behaviour and actions, something to aspire to. They can be considered the foundation of our life as they tell us about the way we want to live, the way we want to relate to others, the things that we want to achieve. Our values tell us about the way we want to be treated by others, what is acceptable in our lives and what is a no go. But how many of us stop and think about their values regularly? How many times in a day, in a week or even a month we reflect on our lives and check if what we are doing or working for is consistent with our vales, the things that want and aspire to? Way too many people live their life on autopilot, taking things and people for granted. We navigate our day to day experience mechanically, meaning that we do things without reflecting on them and most fundamentally, without asking ourselves if they are important to us.

“We get into the habit of not asking ourselves: what is really important to me?”

It happens every time we postpone doing what we love because we prioritise our partner’s needs. It happens every time we avoid going to a party because we do not feel enough. It happens when we accept to do things we wouldn’t normally do for the sake of money, power or someone else’s happiness. Or else this happens every time we think that there is a better time to do something, someday in the future but not now – while our life passes by, moment after moment. And to a certain degree we all do that, we all neglect our needs, we discard what is really important to us because we want to fit in, because we are too scared; or simply because we do not realise how important it is to get to know ourselves to be able to experience fulfillment and joy.

Now, don’t get me wrong, there are times in which we need to make some sacrifice for a greater good or because someone else’s needs are to be given priority, for whatever the reason. I don’t mean to say that we should all be selfish and only look after ourselves – far from it. I am talking about the case in which getting out of touch with who we really are and what we really want becomes the rule and we get into the habit of not asking ourselves: “what is really important to me?”.  Then the unexpected happens: an illness, a loss, a problem at work, a divorce, a betrayal. It is in these cases that we are often forced to stop and rethink our life or at least rethink the way how we imagined our life to be. It is in these moments that we are pushed to find the answer within, when nothing seems to make sense anymore and everything around us seems to fall apart. We are called to give some meaning to the unexpected and look at reasons why these things are happening to us.

“Unexpected events prompt us to reconnect with what we value and cherish”

Any challenge on our path is very often something we did not plan for, something that takes us by surprise and requires us to adapt to a new situation or new condition. While many times in these situations people stop doing whatever they were doing and enjoying prior to that challenge because their circumstances have changed or because the challenge has brought up fear and a sense of loss,  there is no better time to engage our emotional and rational resources to reflect on what is really going on.

Especially when unexpected, these events become the centre of our attention (and concern), take over our life and make us think about all the things that we cannot do anymore or that we do not feel able to face. Chances are that the things that gave us some sort of satisfaction and happiness in the past, the things that we value, are still the same and not being able to accomplish them (or thinking that we cannot) is going to generate more anxiety and distress. However, from personal and professional experience, facing any sort of challenge has very little to do with having a happy and fulfilling life which resonates with our values – while it has a lot to do with broken expectations. In face of this new condition or situation our way of thinking and behaving needs to change for us to still have an accomplished life, but that does not mean that we cannot pursue what we value – it’s the opposite. It just means that we need to do things differently and be creative about it all.

“Therefore, Know Thy Values”

Knowing what we value and therefore what we really want in life can help us with:

• Exploring our hopes, expectations and fears

• Finding out what gives us fulfillment and joy

• Focusing on what is really important to us

Consequently, we will have a better insight on:

• The things that are holding us back

• The things that drive us

• Goals that are meaningful to us

Going through the process of creating clarity and reconnecting with our values will guide us to make better choices and to take the most appropriate actions in times of trouble. It will lead us to find meaning even in difficult circumstances and identify a way out.

Knowing what we value in life means getting to know ourselves more intimately, getting in touch with our internal experience and expectations of the world. Giving ourselves that time to reflect is a like giving ourselves an internal cuddle, checking if we are doing ok or if there is something that we need to change. It means getting in touch with our emotions and communicate with the deeper parts of ourselves. Chances are that if we lead a life in harmony with your values, we will have a feeling of accomplishment, our relationships will flourish and we will have a sense of general satisfaction. On the contrary, compromising our values for the sake of someone else, for fear of judgement or rejection, or for the sake of not getting in trouble, will compromise the quality of our life at its very core often with consequences that range across our health, well-being, job and relationships.

So if you find yourself in a difficult situation, you are feeling confused about something or struggling to make a decision; or simply you are unclear to which direction to give to your life, start asking yourself these questions:

What is it really important to me?

What is it that I value?

What can I do to pursue my values in these circumstance?

I suggest you to take a notebook and a pen, seat in a quiet place or somewhere you can be undisturbed for the next 15-20 minutes. Write down one question at a time and set a timer for 5-7 minutes to jot down the answer; when the time is up, go to the next question. Try not to overthink the task, just write what goes through your mind without making any judgement and see what comes up at the end….you may be surprised!

If you liked this post, stay tuned, more on how to identify your values is on its way. Also. leave a comment or a question below and let me know how you got on with this little exercise….good luck!