“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself”

Rumi

We all go through challenges in life and you might have noticed how certain events share similarities with each other: relationships developing and ending the same way over time, the same issues presenting themselves at work no matter what job you do, the same traumatic circumstances repeating over and over. I am sure that you couldn’t help but asking yourself: Why does this happen to me? Why is the world such a difficult place? Why are people so horrible or dishonest? You may feel angry, let down, confused, cheated and betrayed. Why such a good person like you has to go through this over and over? You really haven’t done anything to deserve this after all. You are correct in your behaviour, you are loyal, you are faithful, you work hard, you are a good person, a good friend, a good partner. You respect people, you don’t cheat, you don’t betray. And that’s what makes it even harder to understand, because you didn’t really do anything to deserve that treatment. Your friends and family are shocked and angry, they cannot believe it either.

But have you ever wondered, instead of ‘why does this happen to me?’ – why does this hurt so much?

“Why does this hurt so much?”

By default, when something unexpected happens to us, we have emotional reactions of various degree and intensity. These reactions initially revolve around fear and distress until we are able to analyse and elaborate what’s really happening and what the consequences of a given event are. Responses of fear, shock and distress are very appropriate from the point of view of how our brains have evolved to protect us from harm. So that specific emotion is a signal, it’s something which has the power to immediately tell us that something is not quite right and that we need to modify our behaviour or take action. It is therefore the meaning, the explanation that we give ourselves about a certain event that determines how we interpret it and how we respond to it. Our responses also include the emotions that we experience after the initial fear/surprise and the beliefs that we form around those circumstances. In other words, we develop expectations about ourselves and the world based on the interpretation that we give to our experience and develop expectations based on this interpretation. Notice that a person, an event, a situation becomes positive or negative and acquires meaning because of our interpretations, not because of how they objectively are. This is a marvellous shortcut of our brain that helps us save time: imagine that you would have to think over and over again how to complete daily routine tasks instead of doing them automatically. It gives us a sense of security and control because we are able to predict most of our daily experience -it’s called routine; these are the basis on which we make plans for the future. However, every time that something happens outside of our expectations also carries the potential to be dangerous, upsetting, distressing because we perceive it to be out of our control.

Due to the nature of life and the world, which are actually unpredictable by default, we will all experience the unexpected and the upsetting. The world is unpredictable because there are millions of possibilities that could happen at any given time; being in control is, generally speaking, an illusion.

Another thing to note is that most people of a certain nation, culture, certain generation, certain socio-economic status will go through very similar experiences. Some might also go through the exact same experience, just think about big catastrophic events which involve many people. However, not all of them will react to the situation the same way. Surely, a thing that you must have noticed, it’s how people react differently to the same event, circumstances or behaviour. Being cheated on by your partner is devastating for someone and just unpleasant for someone else: the latter manages to move on from it quite quickly and finds love again. Not being invited to a party by a colleague is very upsetting for someone and completely irrelevant for someone else: the latter manages to keep a good relationship with their colleague while the former might have some complications. A physical illness can be a reason for someone to completely withdraw and lose interest in life while for someone else it is a wake up call to look after themselves and to live life to the full.

So the next question I have learnt to ask myself is: if everyone experiences similar things through their life, why does this hurt me so much?

“Why does this hurt me so much?”

It is important to understand that beliefs contribute to form the guidelines or rules that we will use in the future to explain and interpret similar events or circumstances. They will also constitute the assumptions that we have about ourselves and the world. Most of these beliefs, expectations and assumptions are unconscious, meaning that we are not aware of them. For example: if a person was bitten by a dog as a child in the park, they might develop the belief that parks and dogs are dangerous; as a consequence, they will be wary of going to the park on their own and will stay away from dogs if possible. Another, more personal scenario could be: a person had an argument with their mother during which they said something out of anger that hurt her. The mother shortly after leaves and divorces the person’s father to form a family with someone else. The two events are unrelated, but the person can’t help thinking (and feeling) that it was their fault, because of the things that they said. They may then develop the beliefs that you are a bad person therefore not worthy of love, that they need to be punished or that it’s best for them not to be around the people they love because they will hurt them. How do you think that this is going to affect their behaviour when they will fall in love with someone later in life? You guessed it, it’s going to mess things up.

The second scenario is different because the belief formed around the way that person would see him or herself; therefore, the content is highly emotionally charged. It is not difficult to imagine how a person who believes that they are not worthy of love make would feel and that’s not going to be pretty. Shame often plays a big role in the way in which someone related to others or experiences certain events. These beliefs do not only affect our interactions on a day-to-day basis or influence the general course of our life, but they come into play when something unexpected happens.

Now let’s say that we all carry unhelpful beliefs which increase our self-doubt and make us feel sad, guilty, ashamed, angry and so on – to variable degrees. So a person might be very confident at public speaking because they received a lot of praise and applause at school plays, but might feel very insecure in a more intimate situation because they feel afraid or ashamed of exposing certain aspects of their personality. For another person the opposite might be true. Both these people need to give an important presentation for work which would boost their career, but their boss decides to give that task to one of their colleagues instead: the first person will be surely disappointed and upset, but chances are that they will not take it as a personal attack or blame themselves for doing something wrong. They might want to take the opportunity to learn, work harder and improve. The second person instead might be feeling devastated, envisaging catastrophic scenarios and be ashamed of themselves. They will be both fearful and low in mood for a prolonged time, they might not want to prepare to give a presentation ever again and might not want to talk to anyone about what happened because of fear of judgement.

Therefore, the real question that we should all ask ourselves when we feel that a challenge is really big or when we find ourselves struggling over it is: What does this mean to me?

“What does this mean to me?”

This question is not about the possible practical implications such as: I got fired=I cannot pay the rent but more of the likes of: I got fired=I am a failure. It is the second one that will generate the feeling that the challenge is too great and give you a sense of powerlessness. Just briefly, let’s see how these two pathways might develop:

• I got fired = I cannot pay my rent = I need another job (therefore I need to send my CV asap)
• I got fired = I am a failure = no one will give another job (therefore it’s not worth trying)

Ultimately, when a situation, an event, a conversation, taps into our inner fears, unhealthy beliefs or unresolved feelings, it becomes personal, it becomes about us, that’s why it hurts so much. It is hard to see that the same event to another person has a different meaning and therefore it feels in a different way. They will be less susceptible to certain kind of events therefore they will not give them too much attention or importance beside finding a practical solution. In this key, the pattern of events that happen to us appears because it touches our soft spot, a point which hurts and which required more attention and effort on our side. By looking inside and putting our efforts to understand the internal causes of our suffering instead of wanting to change external circumstances, it means that we will acquire a degree of control over that situation. This control refers to our beliefs, thoughts, emotions and actions, which in turn will generate different external outcomes. So ultimately, there is a connection between our internal world and external events.

There is more, much more to say about the appearance of patterns of events in our life. Do not miss my next post on the topic: It’s not, you it’s me – How our internal attitudes contribute to create our reality.

Finally, let me know your ideas about why we experience repeated patters of events in the comments below .